


The Art of Getting What You Want

by pupeez4eva



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, JYJ (Band), Super Junior
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Humor, Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-03
Updated: 2014-12-06
Packaged: 2018-02-28 00:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2711960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pupeez4eva/pseuds/pupeez4eva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Changmin wants Yunho to notice him, and employs the unwilling help of Kyuhyun (pretending to be his ‘boyfriend’) to achieve this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This is primarily a HoMin fic (the first one I've ever written actually :D).

“You’re going to help me.”

Kyuhyun glanced up from the screen of his laptop, blinking owlishly. “Uh, Changmin,” he said, staring at his best friend, “I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but I don’t ‘help’ anyone.” With a moment of thought he added, “well, not without a price anyway.”

“There is a price,” Changmin replied, smiling pleasantly. “My friendship. Don’t you want to show me what an amazing friend you are?”

“…You’re joking right?”

Changmin sat down on the floor next to Kyuhyun. He glanced at his friend, shooting him another smile. “I also won’t tell anyone that the great _GamerKyu_ lost to _me_ last week.”

Kyuhyun froze. “You told me that no one would ever know about that!” he hissed, his eyes flickering rapidly around the room, searching for any possible eavesdroppers.

Changmin nodded. “Yes I did…and they won’t. It’ll remain a piece of lovely, beautiful blackmail material that will never leave this room — unless of course you don’t submit to my every whim.” Changmin beamed. “ _Then_ I will tell everyone — _everyone.”_

“You son of a bitch,” Kyuhyun hissed.

Changmin’s eyebrows raised. “I’ll tell Heechul first.”

Kyuhyun’s eyes widened, and he gasped dramatically. “Changmin, how could you!” he half-wailed.

“You just called me a _son of a bitch,”_ Changmin snorted. “Trust me Kyu, I am _this_ close to slipping up and accidentally telling — oh, I don’t know, Leeteuk maybe — about the lovely week I just had, what with me _beating you — ”_

 “What do you want?!” Kyuhyun’s eyes were wide. “I’ll do anything!”

Changmin smirked, and leant forward, a purposeful spark in his eyes. “I want you to pretend that we’re dating.”

“…I’m sorry?”

“Pretend that we’re dating,” Changmin repeated. “Touch me and stuff —”

Kyuhyun choked.

“ — when Yunho is around. That’s all.”

“Oh that’s _all_ huh?” Kyuhyun snorted. His eyes were wide, and there was a hint of panic in them. “Changmin, I’m sure you think very highly of yourself, but I am saving these lips for…oh, I don’t know! But someone hot, definitely. Like Yoona maybe…or Seohyun. Anyone _but_ you.”

Changmin rolled his eyes. “Yoona would never date you,” he told his friend bluntly. “And Seohyun, well…she would never date anyone.”

“Yeah, well, I sure as hell am not wasting my perfect lips on _you,”_ Kyuhyun snapped, glaring.

“Oh calm down, moron,” Changmin snorted. He looked amused at Kyuhyun’s obvious discomfort. “I don’t want you to kiss me or anything. Just act all touchy-feely to make Yunho jealous.” His eyebrows raised, and his lips quirked teasingly. “Unless of course you want me to accidentally tell — ”

_“Fine!”_ Kyuhyun flung his arms in the air, almost whacking them on the open screen of his laptop. “Whatever! I’ll give you _one_ night of touching and — oh _god_ , that soundsso damn wrong…”

“Do you think I _want_ this?” Changmin retorted. “Trust me, this is as repulsive to me as it is to you.”

“Oh please — anyone would _kill_ to have me as a boyfriend,” Kyuhyun shot back, his eyes narrowing challengingly.

Changmin snorted. “Sure, whatever makes you feel better when you’re off losing your games.” Ignoring Kyuhyun’s furious stare, he added, “come to my dorm tonight, alright? And don’t get too eager, or I might have to slap you.”

Kyuhyun shook his head, a scowl still present on his face. “I can’t believe you’re blackmailing me to be your boyfriend,” he muttered. “What, you couldn’t find anyone _actually_ interested in you?”

“I didn’t want to break some poor sucker’s heart,” Changmin shot back.

There was a brief pause, and he frowned slightly, his brow furrowing. “Uh…aren’t you going to ask me _why_ I want to make Yunho jealous?”

Kyuhyun snorted. “Oh please — you’ve been mooning after him from the second you laid eyes on him. It’s pathetic really.”

“You didn’t even know me that long,” Changmin retorted.

Kyuhyun shrugged, turning his attention back to the screen of his laptop. “Yeah, well, I’ve heard stories,” he said, as his fingers glided across the keyboard. “The thought of you blushing and stuttering — ”

“I was fourteen you dick!” Changmin snapped, glaring. “Look, just come, alright? I have plans…lovely, lovely plans, that don’t involve more than a few hours of you.”

…

“Er…” Yunho coughed, evidently uncomfortable. Changmin wiggled, trying to find a comfortable position, as Kyuhyun stiffly tightened his grip around his shoulders. He shot Yunho an exaggerated smile.

“So Kyuhyun,” Yunho said, hesitantly. “Are you, uh, planning on leaving anytime soon?”

“Hmm?” Kyuhyun blinked (he’d been lost in visions of Changmin falling through the floorboards…oh what a beautiful, beautiful thought…). “Oh yeah, in about five minutes actually — ow!” He shot Changmin a frustrated glance, as his friend rammed his foot against his knee. “In about an hour, maybe,” Kyuhyun amended, trying to hold back a scowl.

“Oh okay,” Yunho replied, his brow furrowed. “It’s just, you seem…distracted.”

“Oh?” Kyuhyun questioned, and then winced when Changmin shot him a dark stare. Suppressing a sigh, he lay his hand on Changmin’s knee, and barely bit back a yelp as Changmin latched onto it and dragged it closer to his crotch.

Yunho stared.

“…Is there something you want to tell me?” the leader questioned, uncomfortably.

“No,” Changmin replied, smiling, and lay his head on Kyuhyun’s shoulder.

“Because, uh, it seems as if — ” His voice cut off abruptly as Changmin shifted his position so that he was half sitting on Kyuhyun’s lap.

“Fuck!” Kyuhyun hissed, unable to stop himself. “How much do you weigh?!”

“Asshole, this is all muscle,” Changmin hissed back.

Kyuhyun snorted. “Yeah, well, you’re _muscle_ is crushing my — ”

“Can I have a glass of water?” Changmin asked loudly, staring at Yunho with wide, expectant eyes.

Yunho raised his eyebrows, looking vaguely amused despite his remaining discomfort. “You can get yourself a glass of water, Changmin,” he told the maknae bluntly.

“Yes, but you’re my amazing hyung, and you love me so much, and I have something that I _really_ want to say to Kyuhyun.” Changmin finished his ramble with a loving stare directed at Kyuhyun. Both Yunho and Kyuhyun looked equally disturbed; the leader got up, and, with an awkward nod in the maknaes’ direction, he headed off for the kitchen.

When he had left the room, Changmin turned to Kyuhyun, his eyes wide (and more than a little desperate — if Kyuhyun wasn’t holding back a series of painful whimpers, he would have teased him for it).

“Dammit,” Changmin cursed, “why won’t he _say_ anything?”

“He looks put off!” Kyuhyun replied, shooting Changmin a placating smile. “That’s good enough, right?” The smile faded, and he shot his friend a frustrated stare. “Now can you get _off_ me, this is seriously uncomfortable.”

“Trust me Kyuhyun,” Changmin snorted, “this isn’t exactly pleasant for me either.”

Kyuhyun glared. “Well at least you aren’t the one getting your legs crushed!”

“Well if you weren’t such a _twig — ”_

“What are you guys talking about?” Yunho inquired, walking into the room, a glass of water clasped in his hand.

“Oh, just about how great Kyuhyun is in the bedroom,” Changmin replied, his voice akin to what someone would use when describing the weather (Kyuhyun, meanwhile, let out a horrified, choked sound). “Yeah, that’s right,” Changmin added, seeing Yunho’s stunned expression. “Kyuhyun and I are spending time in the bedroom. Do you want to know why hyung?”

“Uh…” Yunho struggled with his words. “Changmin, I uh…I really don’t…”

“Yeah Changmin,” Kyuhyun said, desperation oozing from his words, “he really doesn’t — ”

“We’re going out,” Changmin said, ignoring the torment he was inflicting on both his companions. “We’re seeing each other. Dating. That’s right — we’re boyfriends. Life partners. Soul mates — ”

“You’re laying this on a bit thick aren’t you?” Kyuhyun muttered.

Yunho blinked. “That’s…good? I guess?” He swallowed, shifting nervously. “I mean, I’m happy for you two.” With an awkward laugh, he added, “but could you not make out in front of me?”

Kyuhyun’s eyes widened. “No, no,” he said quickly, “there is _no_ making out — ”

Changmin slammed a hand over his mouth, and then shot Yunho the largest smile he could muster. “There is plenty of making out,” he told him. “Hot, steamy, making out.”

Kyuhyun shook his head. “It really isn’t that steamy at all — ”

“All day long —”

“Ha! I don’t even have time to play a _game_ nowadays with these schedules, do you think I — ?”

“You have time to _lose.”_

Kyuhyun’s mouth clamped shut.

“…So yes.” Changmin turned his attention back to Yunho, who was staring at the ‘couple’ with stark bemusement. “We have a lovely, healthy relationship.”

He smiled, with more than a hint of hope shining in his eyes.

Yunho let out an awkward laugh, rubbing the back of his neck in stiff, embarrassed movements. “Congratulations,” he told Changmin, and gave Kyuhyun a small nod. “But, uh, try wait until I’m out of the dorm, okay? I’d rather not hear.” He moved towards the door, saying, “I’ll just leave you two alone now!”

“No!” (While it was Kyuhyun who screamed, Changmin mirrored this exclamation internally). As Yunho left the room, Changmin stared after him, heartbreak shining in his eyes. Kyuhyun almost felt sorry for him _(almost)._

…

Changmin slumped against the sofa, a mournful expression etched onto his face. He’d barely moved since Yunho had left the room. “I thought for sure…” he moaned.

“Did you?” Kyuhyun muttered.

“I mean — yeah when I was younger, I never stood a chance, especially with Jaejoong around…but now…I mean, I thought I was getting these _signs…”_

“Signs?” Kyuhyun’s eyebrows raised. “Yeah, I get signs all the time. They’re usually telling me to find a new best friend.”

Changmin ignored Kyuhyun, lost amidst his own misery. “I…I thought I’d actually be able to make him jealous! I thought, at the very least, he’d break your nose or something — ”

“Wait _what?!”_ Kyuhyun gaped at him. “Yeah, you know what? I _definitely_ need a new best friend…”

Changmin closed his eyes, letting out a frustrated sigh. “Maybe I should just give up,” he mumbled.

Kyuhyun nodded, eager to avoid anymore gigs as Changmin’s ‘boyfriend’. “Yes, that would be wise,” he told him, trying to hide his eagerness.

“And live a lonely life of solitude,” Changmin sighed, his shoulder’s slumping.

“Right you are!” Kyuhyun replied, slapping Changmin on the shoulder. “Although I suppose that wouldn’t really work since you live with the guy.”

Changmin stared at him.

“Look, don’t look so disheartened, alright?” Kyuhyun gave Changmin a comforting smile. “I mean, Yunho might not be the right guy — ”

“You’re right!”

Kyuhyun blinked. “…Yunho isn’t the right guy?”

“No! That I’m going to see him everyday!” Newfound determination shone in the younger male’s eyes. “Why give up? I have to spend the rest of my career with him, I might as well use this time to my advantage! I mean, maybe the signs were there after all — ”

“No, no, I’m sure they weren’t…”

“ — and maybe I still have a chance! I just need to push a little harder…”

“But Changmin!” Kyuhyun protested. “You pushed, and you pushed, and he didn’t budge — who needs him, huh? Why don’t you just — ”

“I won’t give up!” Changmin cried, leaping dramatically to his feet. A wide grin was stretched across his face. “We just need to up our game a bit!”

“…No, you really don’t,” Kyuhyun whimpered, his shoulder’s slumping.


	2. 2/3

“…And they just kept _touching,_ and Changmin was sitting on his lap, and — and — ” Yunho swallowed, his eyes growing wide. “Oh god, I’ve lost any chance I had with him, haven’t I?”  


The surrounding Super Junior members let out noises of protest.

“Don’t say that!” Donghae exclaimed, shaking his head.

“But it’s true!” Yunho moaned. “I was too much of a coward to ask him out, and now I’ve lost him!” His lip trembled. “God, I thought I was getting these _signs,_ you know…I thought Changmin might like me back.” He let out a bitter laugh. “I guess not.”

“Oh shut up, you pathetic lump of pathetic-ness!” Heechul snarled. “This is _not_ the friend that I spent years of my time moulding you to be! You want Changmin? Then you are going to storm into that room, and take back what is yours!”

Yunho frowned. “Heechul, they’re already together. I couldn’t do that — ”

_“Who cares!”_ Heechul stood up, a look of determination in his eyes. “If they are kissing, you grab Kyuhyun by the shoulders, and wrench him of your property! If they are fucking, well, then you do the same thing — or join in, and if that’s the case, then make sure you take a camera with you — ”

_“Heechul!”_ Leeteuk snapped.

“…Sorry, you’re right, I’m being stupid,” Heechul muttered. “I mean, of course you’re going to take a camera anyway, even if you don’t join in…”

Leeteuk sighed, turning away from the second-oldest member, and directing his attention at Yunho. “Just wait until Changmin is alone and then have a talk with him,” he told his fellow leader. “We’ve all noticed that he has feelings for you — there has to be more to all of this.”

“You need to tell him how you feel!” Eunhyuk piped up, enthusiastically.

“Yes!” Ryeowook agreed, his head bobbing up and down. “There’s no way he could resist you then! Changmin’s always been into that emotional stuff - he pretends that he’s the serious one, but we _all_ see through that, don’t we?”

Yunho frowned. “Hold on a second,” he said, taking in the determined expression’s of everyone in the room. “Kyuhyun’s your member — your _maknae_. Why are you taking _my_ side?”

Leeteuk looked confused. “What are you talking about?” he questioned.

“I know we’re very close,” Yunho replied, “but I would have thought you’d be supporting your own member.”

There was a moment of silence; then…

_“Jesus_ Yunho!” Kangin roared. “I thought you were smart! Do you honestly think that we _WANT_ those two together?!”

Ryeowook shuddered. “Oh, the thought…”

“I think I feel a panic attack coming on,” Sungmin whimpered, looking like he was moments away from tears.

“Where did I put my rosary?!” Siwon demanded, his head whipping from side to side, staring wide-eyed at the occupants of the room. “Guys, _where_ is my rosary?!”

“Yunho,” Leeteuk said, maintaining a calm facade, as the room descended into chaos. “Can you imagine the horror that those two could inflict if they remained together? The two evil maknaes, in a romantic relationship… _do you not see the problem here?!”_

“It’s bad enough as it is!” Heechul growled. “They’ll destroy this whole company — ”

“Forget the company!” Yesung interjected. “World domination is the next and final step for them.”

Kangin snorted. “Final? Please — they won’t stop until the whole universe is theres. And then, well, I don’t know what’s next — but I don’t think anyone will _ever_ be ‘stopping’.”

“God Yunho,” Donghae choked, as Yunho looked on with wide, disbelieving eyes. “Why do you think we all supported KyuMin so much? I mean, Sungmin is an absolute angel - he would have mellowed Kyuhyun out, if anything.” He swallowed. “If he were with _Changmin_ though…”

Everyone in the room simultaneously shuddered.

“That’s why you _need_ to get together with Changmin, Yunho,” Leeteuk told him, and reached forward to clutch his shoulders, his eyes wide and serious. “The fate of this world depends on it!”

“Uh…” Yunho swallowed, taking a step back. “Um…I guess…”

…

After he’d walked past Changmin’s room later that day, and heard Changmin eagerly discussing his plans for “a night of fun” with Kyuhyun on the phone, Yunho decided to have a chat with Jaejoong. After all, JYJ member was usually fairly adept with this relationship stuff, and, as Changmin’s self-proclaimed “umma”, surely he’d have some sort of idea of the maknae’s romantic interests.

His response, however, was not what Yunho had been expecting.

“…Yunho, you fucking idiot.”

Yunho blinked, staring at the phone for a long moment. “I’m sorry?” he finally choked, after he’d come to the conclusion that, yes, Jaejoong had just insulted him in his moment of weakness.

“You can’t let the two evil maknaes get together!” Jaejoong yelled. “Are you trying to kill all of us?!”

“What about the two evil maknaes?” Yunho could hear Yoochun inquiring. Yunho wasn’t sure what Jaejoong had said in response, but whatever it was, it led to Yoochun letting out a long, horrified scream.

“Yunho!” Yoochun cried, grabbing the phone of Jaejoong, “you _have_ to do something about this. They will destroy everything in their path!”

“God, we left that company, and I _still_ have no doubt that the horror will spread to us,” Jaejoong whimpered.

“Perhaps if we leave the country?” Junsu could be heard on the other end.

Yunho sat still, gaping.

“No, no,” Jaejoong responded, sounding frustrated, “that still wouldn’t be far enough…”

“Would you guys be serious for _one_ moment?!” Yunho snapped.

“You don’t think we’re being serious?!” Yoochun demanded, his tone incredulous. “Yunho, we are _dead_ serious!”

Yunho shook his head, forcing himself to resist making any further comments on the current insanity of his former members. Instead he sighed, saying, “I don’t know, okay? I love Changmin so much, but I don’t think he’s interested in me.”

“But hyung, the signs!” Junsu protested.

“Yeah, Yunho, the _signs!”_ Yoochun agreed. “You can’t ignore them!”

“…You guys noticed them too?” Yunho inquired, his expression shifting into one of hope.

_“Yes!”_ all three replied, simultaneously.

“Yunho, our fearless leader,” Jaejoong said firmly, “you need to stop being so nice! Let that determined, animalistic side I used to lust over come to a head.”

“Punch him in the face!” Heechul cried, bursting into the room.

Yunho yelped, almost dropping the phone. He whirled around, his eyes wide. _“Heechul?!”_ he spluttered, staring at his friend. “What the fuck are you _doing_ here?!”

“Heechul’s there?” Jaejoong inquired, sounding relieved. “Oh thank god — finally someone to knock some sense into you — ”

Yunho wondered what was more insane — the fact that everyone seemed convinced that Changmin was a step away from world domination, or that Jaejoong thought that _Heechul_ was the voice of reason.

“I couldn’t forget about what you told us,” Heechul told Yunho, sitting beside him on the bed. “Yunho, I want you to go over there and take back what if yours. You hear me? Make _headlines_ Yunho! Beat the shit out of that little shit Kyuhyun — but not _too_ bad, because he _is_ my maknae, and I _do_ love him…”

Yunho could hear Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu cheering from the other end of the phone. There enthusiastic yells were interrupted by Changmin, his loud voice and his words — “oh Kyuhyun, how the hell did I not realise that you were the one?” — echoing through Yunho’s ears as he walked past the room.

“…You have to do something Yunho,” Heechul told him, staring at him with serious eyes. “Now.”

Yunho’s eyes narrowed and he stood up, a look of determination etched onto his face. “You’re right,” he said. “I’m going to win him over! I’m going to make HoMin real, and simultaneously shit all over Changkyu! _Do you hear me?!”_

“Yes!” Jaejoong, Yoochun, Junsu and Heechul all cried.


End file.
